As children who paint their parents to be bigger monsters than they are, my friends spent their teenage years not confiding in them all the crushes and supposed boyfriends that they had. They didn’t want to confide for fear of drama, anger, revocation of freedom, etc. Don’t judge them yet, they had their reasons at the time.

Now that friends and I are on the wrong side of 25, things have evolved. Until a year or two ago, we would get gentle reminders of our approaching marriageability age and how if we could GIVE them permission, they’d start looking for suitable boys. That changed when all of us hit 26 with not even one getting close to the altar. We then started getting taunted for not having boyfriends. Quite a bit of change from those good old teenage days when we were convinced we will be disowned if we uttered words ‘boyfriend’ and ‘dating.’ Again, don’t judge our parents yet, I am sure they had their reasons, too.

Everything, all the subtlety, all the ‘yes you are too young’ or ‘yes you need to be financially independent’ or ‘yes you can take your time, no one is forcing anything on you’ went to the all-proverbial HELL when one of us decided to announce her wedding. Now all our parents are convinced that their child will never settle down.

This post though isn’t about parents, or the to-be-bride and her cute love story or Indians, arranged marriage, women empowerment, or any of that. No, this post is about MP and I and our utter lack of experience in the boy department.

A glimpse of how our conversations begin:

MP: Suchi do my reading na. Life, love and career

MP: Suchiiiiii. Readinggggg

Me: Oh sorry. So for love life, cards are saying have patience.

MP: How much more patience? It has been 27 years! Sahi mein ladka milna itna kaand wala kaam kyun hai bhai?

No one told us. We should have got a memo!

Me: I had thought my mom was so cool about it. Ab dheere dheere saare raaz bahar a rahe hai.

MP: Exactly! I have started to feel like an anomaly – who is 27 years old and no experience with guys.

Like none.

It feels like one of the most essential aspects of growing up and we have nooooooo clue about it.

Me: Yaar according to chomu (name changed to protect anonymity) I’m too intellectual to even have guy friends.

MP: Please! You’re listening to chomu? Tumhe insecurity and superiority complex hai bas.

Me: Hahaha I am going to star this statement.

Kisne socha hoga ki career ke aage bhi ek cheez hai jisme you’ll be tested i.e. love life. Kabhi socha tha tenth mein?

MP: Hahah ye sahi hai. Iss message ko star karo.

Me: Matlab pyaar na hua bhagwan hi ho gaya. And bhagwan ko toh I’m pretty sure mein ek adha baar dekh chuki hoon.

MP: Ab toh hadh mazaak ho gaya hai yaar

So yes universe, god…whoever UP THERE is listening. You have had a good laugh and so have MP and I (most of the time). But now maybe it is time you stopped laughing at our expense and find someone else, eh? And while you are at it, maybe you can send a few boys our way? Pretty please?

Epiphany! MP if you are reading this…maybe we need to do some fasting to get grooms? You think that’ll work or does that reek of desperation? We shall discuss this over WhatsApp.

Translation: anyway I translate the headline, it will lose the essence of what it means in Hindi but here goes nothing – this is ridiculous. The word ridiculous (and all its synonyms) have nothing on HADH. They just don’t have the same impact…no offense to the English language and all. Not even attempting to translate the messages MP and I shared for the same reasons.

PS: This has been written in the nature of a rant with sarcasm and self-deprecating humour and as such should be enjoyed in that way.


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